I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
