she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
there is another microwave in the elevator.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
