why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
