woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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