just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
