John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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