i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
