She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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