Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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