PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
