i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
