dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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