the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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