Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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