hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
