Where is the hickey?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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