last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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