plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
