im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
