i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
