please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
