just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
