There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize