Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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