You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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