just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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