I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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