I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
