So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
