I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
