I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
