Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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