I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
