cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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