So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
