i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
