Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
