Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You should frame my arrest warrant.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
