I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
