nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
