Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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