I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
