can we get nightvision for the apartment?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
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