I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
