genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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