i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The power of my boobs compel you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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