i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
