hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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