you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize