he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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