but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
