I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
