4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
