Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Two words: blizzard sex
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
