she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I've blown a few things in my day
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
