I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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